MPeace, war and conflict are experienced not only outside, in relationships, but above all within ourselves. When I look around, I cannot fail to see the brutality, aggression, fear, anxiety and pain that we often inflict on ourselves. I realize that the peace in our hearts and lives has to do with how we can deal with our own vulnerability, sensitivity, downfalls, as well as competition, predation, success and failure.
In one Indian legend, it is said that everyone has two wolves fighting inside them. One bright, just, peaceful, cheerful, generous, wise, kind. And the other dark, wicked, angry, envious, self-centered, nasty. Do you know which of the wolves in us will win this fight? The one we feed the most. The one we trust the most. It's the same with our emotions.
I love this story. We all get overcome by our own anger, self-pity, or other not-so-popular feelings and emotions from time to time. Then the dark wolf shows up in all its glory, we have it in us. All of us. Even if we see it far better in others. It represents our fears, distrust, frustration, feelings of threat, injustice and disappointment that awaken this dark warrior that we so badly don't want to feel these days. Yet he belongs to us. To give up one of them, to deny it, is to lose a significant part of our inner navigation system. Both wolves are extremely important to our lives, so it is good to get to know them and tame them.
What about our feelings and emotions?
We do everything we can to feel good, to have a good time or to get rid of bad feelings. So what is more important than how we feel? What are we doing to do that?
- We go to work to provide for ourselves, to earn some money and to buy what makes us feel good. We buy the latest iPhone because we want to fit in with our colleagues or classmates, to feel part of a group, to be accepted.
- We buy new dresses, suits and accessories because we want to please our surroundings and get admiring glances, we want attention.
- We drink alcohol, we take pills to disable our negative thoughts, to numb the pain, to feel better.
- We enter into relationships with other people to find understanding, support and happiness.
- We work our hardest to gain recognition, respect and experience success.
- We play games, read books, watch movies and TV shows to forget all our worries and immerse ourselves in a completely different world where we can be anyone.
- We help the weak to feel our own influence and strength, a power that makes us feel good and useful.
In short, we hunt for good feelingswherever you can. We're starving for them. It has its disadvantageswhen we don't know the limits, the peace. We can easily become addicted to work, alcohol, drugs, food, or another person, and worry that we will lose some of it, that we are not "good enough". We are all a little bit dependent on our good feelings, on each other, and we are willing to do almost anything to secure them and not lose them. The dark wolf is awakened without us noticing.
- How would you like to be able to set clear boundaries while building close and healthy relationships?
- How would you like to have your own inner compass to point you in the direction at important crossroads in life or when you are experiencing confusion?
In this case, it is necessary to explore and get to know more about your emotions, both your "wolves", including the black one, and what is hidden behind them.
Discomfort and loss of security
Variability, uncertainties, unpleasant and negative emotions are part of our contract with life. It belongs to us just as much like the nice, positive ones. No matter how hard we try, we cannot avoid the negative ones. We can't! We can't have meaningful careers, idyllic families, happy children and relationships, or make the world a better place to live, all without stress and discomfort still with just a smile on your face.
Think of a manager, a businesswoman who has been working hard eighty hours a week for almost twenty years in the same position. Suddenly, she can't keep up with the pace, the demands of her company and loses her current job. At that very moment, she finds herself competing for a new job with people half her age. How does she feel? The dark wolf is coming to life, her existing certainties have taken a hit. These are exactly the moments when it's good to have the dark wolf trained, because we are thrown out of our comfort zone, our certainties shaken at their very foundations.
What's left in such moments?
We get angry, we get upset, we swear, we blame ourselves, others and the situation. We rage. We cry, we feel sorry for ourselves, we despair. We drown in our feelings that control and paralyze us. This is where many of us end up complaining about adversity, the jerks around us, and the unfairness of the world. But others of us eventually notice our emotions and realize: "What am I doing? How am I treating myself? Yes, I got fired, I got tired of it, I couldn't appreciate it anymore, but it's not the end of the world. I still have something to offer!" They look beyond these emotions, into their thoughts. Maybe things just aren't happening the way they wanted them to, maybe what they expected just came true, maybe things are just different than what they thought and planned. Of course, that doesn't mean the situation is not solvable.
Our lives are not always governed by our plans, expectations, they cannot be lined up according to a ruler and calculated according to a mathematical equation (although we would like to). At any moment, anything - as we already know - can derail and surprise us. Even the best mathematician miscalculates from time to time, can make a mistake or not take all the variables into account. In any case, we have a whole range of possibilities, alternatives. We just can't see them at the time, despite all our ideas about how things should be "right".
What is difficult about our negative thoughts and feelings is that we treat them as facts. Let's believe them. Often all of them.
What about it?
Give your past bad experiences a new perspective.
Article published with the kind permission of the magazine Sphere
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